Sitting in a café with a friend when the server approaches us. I’ve barely removed my layers from being out in the cold, and I hear the words that make me want to keep my layers on and leave.
“Hello ladies…”
I cringe, I freeze, and I feel the old lurch in my stomach as it turns into knots while I practice my outside composure of keeping calm and carrying on.
*
“Keep calm and carry on”
It’s what we’re taught and told
And the older we grow
The more we should know
About not to assume
When strangers enter the room.
“To assume makes an ass out of you and me”
See it’s something we all hear
And as the words live in the back of our heads
They just as quickly disappear.
“Ladies” isn’t a bad thing to be
When I hear it, I think
You can’t mean me
“Whoops I read you wrong.
Or did I read you right?”
In my panic to respond
It’s fight or flight.
I’ve had to learn
That the bridges I burn will help no one grow
And so
I sit with my unease
Remind myself that “ladies” isn’t a disease
Tease apart the word from the assumption
Muscle up some gumption
And calmly converse in a way others can relate.
Once upon a time
The upset would be
Because you mis-gendered me
And now it’s a different cup of tea.
This still beating heart
That was once a spade
Gendered words
Quickly dug my grave
I crawled my way out
Cradled my head
Now I shout
For the he-she-they
You know nothing about.
*
When we talk about assumptions, we know we shouldn’t make them. Words like “ladies” and “gentlemen” or “hey guys” “what’s up girls?” are such an every day part of our language that we rarely challenge. Words that are so often used, the majority of people don’t even realize that in those moments, we are making incredibly impactful assumptions.
My friend left the table and I called over our server. I asked for her name, shook her hand and introduced myself.
I brought up that when she first approached the table, she used greeted us as “ladies”, and while being a lady can be a wonderful thing for some, it’s definitely not how I identify. She acknowledged that when she said it, she felt immediately like she’d said something wrong, but didn’t really know what else to say.
I asked her if she knew anything about gender spectrum/identity and she said not much.
I brought up how in greeting guests/patrons in non-gender specific ways, we’re removing basic assumptions we’re making in our perception of someone else’s gender identity, and that by doing so, we’re able to create a more inclusive and welcoming space for all.
The server then told me of a different time, where she used the term “ladies” and the guest/patron became visibly agitated and upset, she had no idea of what other terms to use, or how to make that person feel better. She asked me, what other terms might be used in greeting guests.
I suggested things like “Welcome” or “hey folks” (this was by no means a fancy establishment. I understand that changing the culture of fine-dining experiences and what management and the predominant clientele would expect from those situations will be a different kind of explaining/language and learning) or something more of a self-introduction “Hi, my name is ___________, and I’ll be your server today! Is there anything I can start you off with?”
You see, there are so many ways we can greet people without making these assumptions that are so ingrained in us, and just as people evolve, so does the language we use.
*
I know you didn’t mean any harm
So it must come as an alarm
To realize that some people might question
The common perception of what others might see
In relation to their identity
I try not to let it show
But more times than I care to admit
I’m put into a box that just doesn’t fit
That just doesn’t fit
And that’s not the half of it.
To these rules of engagement
There is so much to learn
This is my statement
The tables must turn.
*
In these moments, I’ve come to a place where I can hold those conversations without losing my shit. I’ve become my own advocate, because I’ve had to. I hope and dream of a time when these assumptions aren’t made, because they affect and impact more people than most would realize.
*
So I don’t become the angry person
Who’s forced to always educate
Let me re-iterate
You don’t have to relate
*
I don’t always want to be the one to have these conversations. I have them, because I have to. I have them, because the next person who walks through the door, might not yet be able to say what they need to feel okay in their skin, and my saying something now might change that interaction.
*
Breathe deep and try not to take things personally.
Personally. Person-ally? Person. Ally.
I’m just one person looking for an ally.
*
GavinKade 